Friday, May 11, 2018

Trouble

I have never once censored her writing or her blog posts in any way whatsoever. She asks me to read it. Sometimes we take pics of things to add to her post, but I never object to anything she writes. I suppose that means she is thorough and thoughtful... it might also lead people to believe that I agree with what she writes, but I do not always. Frequently, I think her attitude toward certain things is a little rough, but that's her. Hopefully, in our dual writing project, two perspectives will work for the benefit of our project.

Today, we woke up as usual. We went to the cabin where she usually goes to her computer while I make breakfast. Sometimes she reads unpleasant things, usually things are fine. Today, she sees to have read something unpleasant. Her demeanor is not angry, but troubled, but she says nothing directly as we eat and then go on to work outside.

I ask her repeatedly if there is anything I can do for her.

She finishes a mowing task and then gets her computer and gruffly sits down to make our home-ward reservations. This is odd as she usually doesn't do computer things like this alone. I tell her, "If I have done something, I hope you'll tell me."

She goes into a rampage about the blog I posted to our Eggcellence blog. How clearly she does nothing and I do everything. Someone even commented on Facebook, "Let me know if I can help." This is evidence that I have told the world what a lazy partner she is.

When she used the facebook comment as evidence, this made me angry. This particular person has lived in Alaska and has commented every single time we post about Alaska that he'd be happy to share his knowledge. I stormed away and as I did so, she yelled out something awful about her father.

The thing is, last week was HARD. I was left depressed and helpless on my own property. This is Anne's home too and I want her to have a say, a space, input, including and especially in HER outdoor kitchen, and this seemed like a great project to bring in her dad who could feel good about contributing. It turned out to be a very trying week. I battle depression as the tension grew... FINALLY, I got to go to town and get things done FOR US! The only reason I didn't mention her dad on the main blog, or what her contribution for the week was, was because I didn't have a single photo, I didn't have a single finished product, and I couldn't very well say anything negative. She did the hard work. I did a list of piddly little travel things. Exactly how was I supposed to say what she had been doing and be true to who I am???

This is written a few days later. This spun me into the final push over the depression edge. I need to do things to feel value in myself. That blog post is absolutely about depression written while I was still depressed. Getting things done helped, but it wasn't a cure.

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